A Bit of Humour
NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one
hand, favourite tipple in the other, body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
I live in my own little world. But it's okay --- they
know me here.
Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he
watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he
invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped
their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old
man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable
Reporters interviewed a 104-year-old woman.
'And what do you think is the best thing about being
104?' the reporter asked.
try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren’t wearing any.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so
I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and
start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class
for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by
the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t
remember them anyway.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new
knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I
still have my driver's license!
· Things that you buy now won’t wear out.
During the AGM
2018 one particular committee member stated that the video's
which had been placed on the website were disgusting etc etc
and that four letter words and other swear words were used,
she also asked why did I think it was funny to do this.
this particular committee member was making it up as she
went along for effect, not once during the length of the video
(which was subtitled),
had any swear words actually been used either verbally or in
the subtitles. This and the other
video's were nothing more than a parody:
is a humorous piece of writing, drama, or music which
imitates the style of a well-known person or represents a
familiar situation in an exaggerated way. When
a particular work, thing, or person, they imitate it in
an amusing or exaggerated way.
So to clarify the matter - I am placing a
transcript of the Video No. 1 'Rant' here for all
to read, and if anyone can find an actual swear word amongst
the transcript please do let me know.
The videos have been
removed from the website as apparently they have caused
great offence and distress to the director and committee
- perhaps they didn't read the warning!
The website cannot be
responsible for some people's deficiency in the sense of
humour department, however it must be pointed out that
laughter is good for you as it releases endorphins which in
turn relieves stress and leaves you feeling good - it is
If you are easily offended, are of a sensitive
nature, or do not have a sense of humour, then it is highly
unlikely that you will appreciate the content included in these
videos, it is
recommended that should you fall into any of these categories
then please leave this page now and do not proceed to
the next level.
It is also recommended that you remain
seated at all times, have a supply of tissues at hand as
it's possible you may need them.
your own risk, the website does not take responsibility for
any personal injury or offence incurred during viewing!
Top excuses for
Confirmation Statements & Tax Returns not being submitted
tax return was on my yacht, which caught fire.
wasp in my car caused me to have an accident and my tax
return, which was inside, was destroyed.
wife helps me with my tax return, but she had a headache
for ten days.
ate my tax return…and all of the reminders.
couldn’t complete my tax return because my husband left
me and took our accountant with him. I am currently
trying to find a new accountant.
child scribbled all over the tax return, so I wasn’t
able to send it back.
work for myself, but a colleague borrowed my tax return
to photocopy it and lost it.
husband told me the deadline was the 31 March.
Internet connection failed.
postman doesn’t deliver to my house.
couldn’t file my return on time as my wife has been
seeing aliens and won’t let me enter the house.
been far too busy touring the country with my one-man
ex-wife left my tax return upstairs, but I suffer from
vertigo and can’t go upstairs to retrieve it.
business doesn’t really do anything.
spilt coffee on it.
Getting Out of A Ticket
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate
for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open
her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw
flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they
can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up
further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the
situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and
The cop came up to him, took his license without a
word and examined it and the car. "It's
been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an
excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can
go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife
ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her
back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become
a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what
was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended
diligently, learning all she could.
time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully
for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When
the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had
obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the
instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such
an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error
which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam,
you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the
total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50%
because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's
hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams
the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet
floor. "You rotten b......," says the husband, "my wife's having
a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the
A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A
little later she came out of her house again went to the mail
box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back
into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge
the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it
and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her
actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she
replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps
saying, "You've Got Mail."
"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive
straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers
on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you?
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not
have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
As I reached a junction a hedge sprang up obscuring my
vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put
my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off
the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve
out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went
to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing."
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the
wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a
different direction going the opposite way."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas
and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came
round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have
happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
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