Ideas and Suggested Uses for the New Feature on the Estate


It's interesting to note that the Spinney is now completely hidden, and now that it's only about 5 ft high it looks like it was designed for people who are height challenged.  It's also notable that it has now been moved even closer to one of the trees - not  a good location or recommended due to the possibility of bird poop landing on any nice clean washing.  So given that it's unlikely to be used as a washing line facility here are some suggested uses for the future, please send in your own recommendations:

During the summer it could be used as a very private sun bathing area - even nude sun bathing would be possible, there certainly wouldn't be much chance of being overlooked. This might be useful for one guy who takes his shirt off at every opportunity when the sun shines (you know who you are), it certainly would provide some encouragement, entertainment and excercise for some of the female residents to take the air, although it's suspected they wouldn't bother.

Put a couple of benches in it and it could be used as an outdoor space for meetings held by the director and the committee rather than being indoors all the time - after all they put it up so should get some benefit from it and it would be good for their health. 

Maybe the budget could be stretched to a naughty bench where every time the director or committee breach the Lease they could be made to spend time shackled to the bench to ponder the error of their ways - a rota could be made available to all those residents who would be willing to do the shackling - now don't rush to have your name put on it, it looks like there will be plenty of opportunity for your turn on the duty rota if their present performance is anything to go by.

Education is always a popular choice, the space could be used by the director and committee so they could instruct each other into how to be more effective in bullying and intimidation tactics,  because to date their existing strategy just isn't working.


Texting Code for Seniors

ADT At the Doctors IMHO Is my Hearing-Aid on?
BFF Best Friend Fainted OOWP Out of Wet Wipes
BTW Bring the Wheelchair GHA Got Heartburn Again
LMI Lost my Internet FYP Found your Pills
CBB Covered by Bupa WAY Who are you?
CGU Can't get up FWIA Forgot where I am
CUS See you soon DWI Driving while Incontinent
ATC At the Chemists HA Hospital Appointment
FPS Foot Patrol Spotted CMOM Committee Member on the Move
WWNO Walker Wheels Need Oil GGLKI Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
TOT Texting on Toilet BFF Best Friend's Funeral
HFOOB Help - Fallen out of Bed GGPBL Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!


The Illusive Agm Minutes.

The hunt for the illusive agm minutes begins as over a week has passed with no sight of them.   Some residents ask ‘where are they’, why haven’t we received them’, ‘we need them to refresh our memory’, what is the outcome of ........’ , and of course residents who couldn’t attend the meeting itself may feel left out of things without the minutes.   Other comments are simply too rude to mention.  

Perhaps it’s a good thing that the minutes  haven’t surfaced yet as it may provide an opportunity for it to become a bit of a treasure hunt and provide activities for us all – we could become like Meerkats and be alert to every movement on the estate hoping, wondering and experiencing anticipation (probably a first for some of us).   Residents could be spotted looking under hedges (this would be good exercise for us all and should be encouraged), peeking around walls (a great way to test our distance eyesight), speaking in hushed whispers asking their neighbours ‘have you had it’ (we sincerely hope folks don’t take offence or misunderstand what someone may be asking them).  It is assumed that these activities could be carried our during daylight hours as skulking around searching after dark could involve someone calling the police (or heaven forbid get the committee involved). 


Teepees on the lawn areas.

This suggestion was originally made prior to permission being granted for the Backburners to gather in the community room, however it is such an interesting idea that it has been decided to leave it here for your enjoyment.  These would certainly be a talking point and would make an interesting feature, and the teepees would appeal to our male residents as well as it would bring back all of those childhood memories of camping, playing cowboys and Indians etc etc.

The only immediate problems envisaged would be our ability to lower ourselves to ground level and eventually sit cross legged once we managed to get inside, this could result in untold difficulties which could well require medical assistance, and also perhaps the services of the fire brigade to extract us from within. 


Foot Patrols

Foot Patrols has been suggested for the common areas such as landings,  staircases, and outside spaces.   No specific duties involved as their presence alone on the estate should be enough to curtail unwanted behaviour or activities.   This role would suit only a very select number of people, a number of possible candidates immediately spring to mind who it is felt would be perfectly suited to the role given that they have previously demonstrated the skills required on numerous occasions in the past.  They would not require any training and would surely carry out their duties with gusto.

Qualifications are totally unimportant but the successful applicants must be willing to wear a uniform (this is essential).  And to be fair to the other residents it is suggested that the uniform be made of a bright coloured fluorescent material, pink or yellow has been suggested, with a matching hat similar to a top hat with the words ‘Foot Patrol’ in large letters on it so they could be spotted from a distance, this would allow residents some time to take cover or retreat into their homes if necessary. 


Massage Sessions

In the interest of boosting the estate’s coffers a possible suggestions might be for us ladies to offer massage sessions to the residents for a small fee (best point out here we're not talking about full body massage, just above the neck), originally this was intended for the male members on the estate but this would be sexist and not acceptable PC so all residents have been included.  Of course there could be a problem should the recipients want a more realistic experience and actually want to lie down for the duration, (taking ones clothes off is not allowed as this would have the potential to enflame the senses of the volunteers and cause a riot), also they may have difficulty climbing onto the table and it is suggested they bring someone with them to help if need be or alternatively bring along a step ladder which they would use at their own risk,  as our volunteers are not in any fit condition to assist.

Another drawback is we would really need to apply for permission from the powers that be who may not be in favour of allowing this sort of activity, but it might be possible to offer the male members an incentive of a discount if they voted in our favour, there again maybe not so don't hold your breath.   As for the female members well your guess is as good as mine, perhaps cream cakes for a week, a bottle of their favourite tipple, or we could go to the other end of the scale and suggest certain services be made available, although we would need to know their preferences to be able to resource these.   There has already been a number of suggestions which it's best not to mention.

It is imagined that there could be high demand for these sessions if we could get past the little inconveniences such as permissions, health and safety issues.  Already some prospective volunteers may be flexing their fingers in readiness for the onslaught of prospective takers, but please contain yourselves, it will be on a first come first served basis  jostling, intimidation or bullying of your peers in an effort to be first in line won’t be appreciated and it could result in you being sent to Coventry. 

To enable potential volunteers to get into tip top condition here are a number of excercises to practice in readiness.   And remember, an added bonus to these, even if it doesn’t get off the ground, is you will be not only help your circulation, but you will be strengthening your grip so you can open jars and bottles that much easier, especially those wine bottles with the screw tops which are a nightmare to open – it’s a win-win situation, so get practicing.   

It is sincerely hoped that should you be practicing in the street that you won’t get arrested for what might appear to be rude gestures.

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December 31, 2021

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