A Bit of Humour 

2019

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, favourite tipple in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

 

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

I live in my own little world. But it's okay --- they know me here.

 

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

 

·  Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

 

Reporters interviewed a 104-year-old woman. 
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. 
'No peer pressure.'

 

· You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

 

· Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them anyway.

 

I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes 
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia. 
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 
I still have my driver's license!

 

· Things that you buy now won’t wear out.

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2018

Clarification regarding Videos

During the AGM 2018 one particular committee member stated that the video's which had been placed on the website were disgusting etc etc and that four letter words and other swear words were used, she also asked why did I think it was funny to do this.

Once again this particular committee member was making it up as she went along for effect,  not once during the length of the video (which was subtitled), had any swear words actually been used either verbally or in the subtitles.  This and the other video's were nothing more than a parody:

A parody is a humorous piece of writing, drama, or music which imitates the style of a well-known person or represents a familiar situation in an exaggerated way.  When someone parodies a particular work, thing, or person, they imitate it in an amusing or exaggerated way.

So to clarify the matter - I am placing a transcript of the Video No. 1 'Rant' here for all to read, and if anyone can find an actual swear word amongst the transcript please do let me know.

*

The videos have been removed from the website as apparently they have caused great offence and distress to the director and committee - perhaps they didn't read the warning! 

The website cannot be responsible for some people's deficiency in the sense of humour department, however it must be pointed out that laughter is good for you as it releases endorphins which in turn relieves stress and leaves you feeling good - it is highly recommended!

WARNING!

If you are easily offended, are of a sensitive nature, or do not have a sense of humour, then it is highly unlikely that you will appreciate the content included in these videos, it is recommended that should you fall into any of these categories then please leave this page now and do not proceed to the next level.

It is also recommended that you remain seated at all times, have a supply of tissues at hand as it's possible you may need them.

Proceed at your own risk, the website does not take responsibility for any personal injury or offence incurred during viewing!

 

 

 

 

 

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Top excuses for Confirmation Statements & Tax Returns not being submitted

  •  My tax return was on my yacht, which caught fire.

  •  A wasp in my car caused me to have an accident and my tax return, which was inside, was destroyed.

  •  My wife helps me with my tax return, but she had a headache for ten days.

  •  My dog ate my tax return…and all of the reminders.

  •  I couldn’t complete my tax return because my husband left me and took our accountant with him. I am currently trying to find a new accountant.

  •  My child scribbled all over the tax return, so I wasn’t able to send it back.

  •  I work for myself, but a colleague borrowed my tax return to photocopy it and lost it.

  •  My husband told me the deadline was the 31 March.

  •  My Internet connection failed.

  •  The postman doesn’t deliver to my house.

  •  I couldn’t file my return on time as my wife has been seeing aliens and won’t let me enter the house.

  •  I’ve been far too busy touring the country with my one-man play.

  •  My ex-wife left my tax return upstairs, but I suffer from vertigo and can’t go upstairs to retrieve it.

  •  My business doesn’t really do anything.

  •  I spilt coffee on it.

*

Getting Out of A Ticket


A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."  The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

*

New Career


A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."

*

Home Early


A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten b......," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"

*

Mail


A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."

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 Insurance Claimants

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached a junction a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing."

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

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May 11, 2020

Copyright  L Sherwood,  All Rights Reserved, 2017-2020